Let’s cut to the chase: Before my boyfriend, Evan, met me, his diet was less than stellar. Okay, it sucked. Now he’s developed a taste for the good stuff, but back then, take-out was a very common occurrence, long spans of “forgetting to eat” were the norm, and, in general, dietary consistency didn’t really exist. In his own words, “It’s pretty incredible I’m alive.”
Here’s how most days went down before we started living together (and how I assume they still do when I’m out of town), according to Evan:
“I’d start the day off with a coffee around 7 a.m., followed shortly by a banana or nuts at home, or a donut if I’m on the road. Or sometimes just coffee.
“Then I’m pretty set until lunch, which could be anywhere from 1 to 3 p.m., and could consist of anything from a beer to tacos to a chicken caesar salad to cheese and crackers—or just more coffee if I’m busy. I don’t really snack between meals. Dinner varies and might consist of a Chipotle burrito, pizza, Thai food, or I might make myself some eggs, a salad, a grilled cheese, or a PB&J. Then maybe some ice cream after dinner. And I usually finish the night off with some bourbon.”
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Yikes, right? But still, I was curious: As someone who eats three balanced meals a day plus snacks, what would happen to me if, for just one week, I ate like my boyfriend? Would I blow up like a balloon from all the refined carbs? Would I pass out from exhaustion after attempting to subsist on only coffee for a 6-hour stretch? Would I start to crave more junk? Would I get scurvy? I decided to find out.
So every day for five days I tried to model Evan’s eating habits, from the way he spaced out his meals to some of the specific foods he ate, all while making a point to disregard my deeply engrained healthy habits. I was allowed to eat some veggie-rich meals now and then, as his diet wasn’t totally devoid of nutrition, but they weren’t the norm nor did they occur in close succession.
Basically, this was a reverse diet and Evan was my dysfunctional health coach. Here’s how I fared:
I had a blast….at first.
In general, I follow a paleo-style diet, avoiding most grains, dairy, and processed foods and “treats”—except for the occasional apple fritter (my kryptonite). For me, it works. I know my boundaries and I tend to stress less when I’m following a formula with occasional but limited splurges.
Admittedly, though, I was really excited to throw caution to the wind. So on day one, after a surprisingly tolerable first day of consuming nothing but coffee, nuts, and a salad with chicken, I had a PB&J on a brioche bun (that’s right, white bread, guys!), and holy crap was it good. I felt a surge of pure childhood joy rush through my body with my first bite, along with memories of those cute little notes my mom used to tuck in my lunchbox.
I could have felt fuller—there wasn’t a whole lot of protein in that thing, and the refined carbs and sugary jam didn’t do my blood sugar any favors—but I also didn’t feel bad like I expected to. No bloating that night or the next morning, no intense cravings. And because I knew this way of eating was temporary, I didn’t feel guilty about it either. Oh, and I also snuck in some blueberries, but don’t tell Evan.
And I didn't really mind the longer stretches between eating.
A Part of Hearst Digital Media, unless you’re truly hungry, it’s just a distraction.
On day two of my experiment, I had some nuts and coffee for breakfast, then I dove into work and didn’t end up eating until lunch until 2 p.m. (which was a couple scrambled eggs and baby carrots). Normally, I’m a grazer who munches away on things like apple slices and peanut butter, trail mix, or jerky pretty consistently throughout the day.
But when I knew it was no longer an option, I didn’t worry as much about what I’d be eating next, which resulted in better focus and greater productivity. Not snacking didn’t even cause me to overeat at dinner, which consisted of a turkey, lettuce, and tomato hoagie sandwich on a multigrain roll from Wawa followed by a glass of Evan-approved bourbon on the rocks—not normally my jam, but go big or go home, right?
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Then things got seriously backed up.
For all the positive snacking I tend to dictate what we eat.
First, I woke up very tired (thanks, bourbon!), then later in the day, my body was seriously craving a giant salad, watermelon, green beans, sweet potato, straight-up iceberg lettuce, or any form of produce to deliver steady energy without a crash. But Evan just shook his head and said I was falling drastically short in my refined carb quota for the day. So I had a grilled ham and cheese washed down with a nip of whiskey for dinner followed by one comically large scoop (I think they used a backhoe) of Mint Moose Tracks ice cream. It was tasty in a painful, I’m-ruining-my-body kind of way, and I knew that my stomach was about to get revenge—starting with gremlin-like noises that were making my dog visibly nervous.
The next day, it felt like a brick was lodged in my stomach, and I immediately knew that a certain (ahem) morning ritual wouldn’t be happening. So I went through the Stephanie Eckelcamp For Eat Clean, One thing I do think I can learn from Evan is to snack less. Often.
And then I started to crave all the junk.
On day four, I had to travel two hours into NYC for work and only ended up eating a donut and a coffee until I got home. And when I did, I was famished.
The sad part: unlike the day before, I didn’t even want anything healthy. I just needed something quick and dirty to revive me. Much to Evan’s delight, all I wanted was a burger and fries—so that’s what we got, and I sternly told my body, “Do not get used to this. You are NOT winning. This is not real life.”
My mood was taking a nosedive, too, and I could totally see how easy it would be to get into a vicious cycle of eating like crap, feeling like crap, then eating more crap in an attempt to feel better. One or two days a week of overindulging might be okay for me, but it was clear that anything more caused serious cravings, energy dips, and unhappiness.
That’s why I “cheated” on day five and Running Shoes - Gear of Evan’s proposed meals to replicate—banana and nuts for breakfast, salad with chicken for lunch, and a kale and egg scramble. I could feel myself coming back to life, and I was so happy to be done.
But in the end, I totally bonded with my BF.
You might think I’d end up hating my boyfriend by the end of this experiment, but we actually had a lot of fun.
You see, most of the time, The Best Biotin-Rich Foods to Try and Evan goes along with it (most likely out of fear), but this experiment gave him the control. You could tell he was super excited to feel like the expert and have some say about what we’d be eating for dinner. And while we may never eat grilled cheese and ice cream washed down with bourbon multiple nights in a row, I’ve realized that getting his input on a regular basis is key.
Meals are now much more of a collaborative effort, and I’m far less dictatorial in the kitchen—we come up with meal ideas together that satisfy both of our tastes, and I provide the guidance to prevent Things That Happened When I Ate Like My Boyfriend for a Week and/or diabetes. Match made in heaven.
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