Editor's note: This satirical column was written by Mark Remy in response to an With apologies to on csnphilly.com. This column appropriated parts of the original article, to imagine how someone would use questions unrelated to running to mock runners. The first version of this column included a link to the original article. The column has been updated to emphasize it was written in response to the csnphilly article.
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With apologies to The Onion...
and wrote the popular,
My mother, a 70-year-old widow, is a kind, thoughtful, intelligent woman. But she is terrible with money. More than once she has asked my sister and me for "loans" that she never seems to pay back. Should we keep helping her out this way? Or would the truly helpful thing be to stop enabling this behavior, and urge her to get financial counseling? – Not an ATM, Poughkeepsie, New York
Dear N.A.A.,
Oh, you're running a 10-miler this weekend? That's sooooooooo interesting. Can't wait to see you bing-bonging down Broad Street with your rock-hard jawline, pressing the buttons on your digital watch: beep beep boop boop beep beep beep! Tell us again what kind of yogurt you eat. Tell us again how we’re all going to die from congestive heart failure. Oh holy runner who art thou, oh ye who wears lightweight Brooks™ running sneaks, please, please, please tell us more about your breathable mesh socks.
and wrote the popular,
I've been dating a wonderful guy for almost a year now, and I suspect he may be ready to "pop the question." There's just one sticking point: He's made it clear that he doesn't want kids. But I've dreamed of having babies since I was a little girl. I believe things will change after we're married, and he'll change his mind about starting a family. My best friend tells me I'm only fooling myself. Is she right? – Wanna Be a Momma, Richmond, Virginia
Dear Wanna,
Everything about running is stupid. The running. The running part. The running! And then there’s the whole part with the running. I don’t even like having to do that slow fake jog when someone’s holding the door for me. Just let the door close! It’s not that nice of a gesture anyway. And marathons. Geez Louize, what is the point of that? To accomplish some sort of goal? Shut up. There’s way too much emphasis on goals these days.
and wrote the popular,
I work with a woman who drenches herself in flowery perfume. At least three times a day she'll come by my cubicle to chat, and I swear the smell lingers for an hour each time! It's nauseating. I know I'm not the only one affected by this, because other coworkers have complained as well. How can we approach her without causing friction? Apart from this, she is perfectly pleasant and a model employee. – Off the Scent, Sacramento, California
Dear Off,
There is literally nothing impressive about running a marathon. It's just running. There's no skill. You're not dribbling a ball. Or playing an oboe. You're just slamming your feet against the hard pavement for five straight hours.
and wrote the popular,
My wife and I socialize with another couple a few times each month. Usually this means enjoying a meal at a restaurant. When the check comes, we split it 50-50, but there's always a bit of tension when it's time to calculate the tip. My wife and I are "generous" tippers, typically to the tune of 20 to 25 percent. The other couple feel that 10 percent is perfectly fine. How do we handle this? We hate ending the evening on a contentious note. But we also don't want to shortchange the folks serving us. Help! – "Bill," Salem, Oregon
Dear "Bill,"
The worst part about runners is that they’re constantly reminding us that they’re runners. Ordering salad. Wearing Fitbits. JOGGING IN PLACE at every red light. Ohhhhhhhhh, I can’t possibly stop my knees from bouncing up and down! They're so bouncy! How’s my heartrate?!? Beep beep boop boop beep beep beep!
and wrote the popular,
Please help settle a bet. I recently saw a headline that read "A Message to Runners Everywhere: Shutttttt uppppppp," above an essay on CSNPhilly.com by a writer called The Evster, who writes a weekly column for The700Level that appears on Fridays. My friend says the writer was trying to convey comical exasperation by drawing the words out. I disagree, because if that were the case, it would be written "Shuuuuuut uuuuuup," with the vowel sounds enlongated – not the final consanants. I say the writer either has a bad stutter, or is making fun of people who do. Who's right? –Puzzled in Pa.
Dear Puzzled,
The List: Friday, April 24!
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