It’s 6:00 am and my mind wakes up pacing. Often I rid stress through running. But I think to myself, is it safe now at 6:00 am?
It’s 6:00 am and I’m getting my day started. It’s dark out, but this is when I need to run, at the beginning of an anxiety-provoking day and full of tension. It’s decision-making time, but I ask myself again, is it safe now?
The air is still, which invites my mind to wander and drift into deep thought and self reflection. Superficial distractions are absent, and it’s just me and my heartbeat as one. As a runner, I seek these moments when I experience the runner’s high, getting lost by missing my turns, not worried about mileage markers, tuning the world out, and mentally returning to recognize that I ran an extra two miles at a PR pace. The early morning is my time for mindfulness, but is it safe now to run outside?
I decide to run, but I still have essential decisions to make. My mind is forced to acknowledge profound matters of selecting a route and which neighborhood to conquer. Extremely conscious of the society we live in and who lives amongst us, I know this is a life-or-death decision each time. You see, my parents taught me to (always) look both ways when crossing the street. In this case, as a Runner, but most importantly as an educated Black Male.
When I say educated, I mean educated on the disenfranchised history and current racism of this country toward my people. Ironically, it was in darkness where we ran and sought freedom from intolerable conditions. It was running in the darkness that gave us hope for a better future. There were historical obstacles and dangers running in the dark, but that’s wayyyyy back then. It’s safe now, right?
So as I begin tying my laces, I’m thinking “(always) look both ways” and I enter the mental dichotomy of the Runner in me versus the Black Man of me:
When the Runner in me can choose any of his favorite running shirts, the Black Man of me selects the brightest shirt to be easily recognized as a Runner.
When the Runner in me makes an innocent right turn and follows the crowd, the Black Man of me is wondering if it is the right Shoes & Gear.
When the Runner in me wants to get lost in the experience, the Black Man of me always wants to be able to be found.
When the Runner in me is looking down for street cracks to avoid, the Black Man of me is assessing aggression in stranger’s eyes.
When the Runner in me witnesses store owners watering plants with a hose, the Black Man of me envisions guns pointed in my direction spraying bullets.
When the Runner in me hears a car horn and waves to the drivers, the Black Man of me becomes prepared to defend himself.
The Runner in me often wins the conversation over the Black Man of me in order to hit the pavement and enjoy the adventures of running. The calculated risks the Runner in me takes to truly enjoy the running experience are contrary to the self-preserving aspects of the Black Man of me. I often imagine if the Runner in me forgot to “carry the 1” and miscalculated the risks, would I be another Ahmaud Arbery?
But we know the miscalculation wasn't on his side of the equation. And as much as I try, I can't balance this one on my own.
My education continues to inform me that my black body is still very present to others regardless of my Runner’s mindset. So whether the Runner in me decides to participate fully, the dimmer switch is always broken for the black body presence—it’s always on Level 10.
As the polarizing conversation continues within me, I ask again and again: Is it safe to maintain a runner’s high for too long?
The Black Man of me has to be fully alert and can’t afford to get lost.
From Runners World for New Balance.
CA Notice at Collection.
Influencer Apologizes for E-Bikes on NYC Course.
Full competition mode at a local eat-and-run ice cream 5K.
I’ll finally answer the question: Is it safe, now?
Whether past or present, whether day or night, whether Georgia or Pennsylvania, whether solo or running group, it never feels completely safe for me. Life or death is (always) on the line if I forget to look both ways.
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